No Girly Drama

admin October 2nd, 2007

Hi Lauren and Kristel. My name is Christie and I’m one of your readers in this fabulous blog. I hope you’re time doesn’t get wasted in listening to my problem. I just badly need some advice. That’s all.

I have a boyfriend of two years and we get along pretty well. I am just confused if he truly loves me or he’s just reciprocating my love. Tell me if I’m just jealous or if I have basis for what I’ve been feeling for him. I don’t get why he’s got more girl friends that boy friends. I know he’s friendly (and he tells his friends he has a gf), but, is it perfectly fine if he communicates with them every single day? I mean, he PMs/texts them more than his male buddies. One time, I found out he was texting with a girl friend while he was with me, but the texts were mushy and all that. I got jealous, alright, but kept silent.

That same night, he called the girl for no reason but to say hello. When I found out about it, I was fuming mad I almost broke up with him. Another time I found out he’d text me good night and yet, he’d still text with girl friends up to ungodly hours. I confronted him outright and told him how I felt. He said sorry and promised he won’t do it again. I forgave him.

Now, he’s still into it. He’s so friendly to his girl friends that I always get irirrated. What should I do? I’m not happy with the way things are going between us, especially him being so insensitive to my feelings. Do you have any suggestions on how I could get even? Just so he’d realize that he’s doing something undesirable to me.

I’m really having a hard time right now.

Kristel Says:

Hi Christie, first, sorry if it took us a while to reply. Well honey, sounds to me like you’ve been a saint throughout your whole relationship. I could easily spot seven different fights that could have happened, based on what you wrote, had it been another woman in your shoes. Two years is an awfully long time for you to play “Ms. Martyr”, and although you love someone very much, it’s important for him to treat you well and to respect you and place you above all his other “girl friends.” Effective communication is a must in every relationship. It’s not normal for a guy to carry on texting other girls mushy messages when he has a girlfriend.

It’s ok for guys to be friends with other girls, provided he introduces his girlfriend to the bunch. It’s possible these girls don’t know your man’s VERY taken and have been taken for quite a while. Have you met any of his so-called “close girl friends?”It’s like that old saying, keep your friends close and your enemies closer. If we were to be optimistic about it, who knows, you may end up being friends with these other girls as well. At the very least, you get to keep an eye on the women that your man has been spending time with. You can safely gauge if any of these girls are a threat to your relationship.

Secondly, how did you find out about the messages and him texting them during ungodly hours? When you confronted him about his behavior and how it hurts you, did he admit his mistakes outright or did it take some cajoling? It’s highly possible that he doesn’t know what’s wrong with what he’s doing to you, and the best way you can make sure that he gets the point and that he realizes he’s hurting you, would be to say it outright.

Don’t be afraid to be honest with him. Tell him exactly how you feel, and explain to him that it’s basic R-E-S-P-E-C-T that you need. As his girlfriend, you shouldn’t have to put up with him being “over-friendly” to other girls. Keep your communication lines open, and tell him you want to meet these girls. When asking to meet the other girls, don’t be too emotional. If he does that for you, then you can rest assured that these girls are aware he has a girlfriend.

Also, tell him you don’t appreciate him being too friendly to these girls, to the point that he’s texting them even when he’s with you. That’s just plain rude. If he promises to change and does it again, then remind him once more. But if it doesn’t seem like things are going to change, start asking yourself if it’s something you can put up with for the rest of your relationship.

Lauren Says:

Hi Christie! Thanks for your letter and I apologize for the overdue reply. It seems to me here that the real issue is not that your boyfriend has a lot of female friends. I dated two guys who get along with girls better than guys; one made me feel rabidly jealous every time he’d talk to his female friends (Guy A), the other one didn’t (Guy B). Guy B was faaaar more good-looking than Guy A but I was perfectly fine with him being surrounded by all these girls. Why? Because I could see that Guy B gave me special and exclusive treatment that his other girl friends didn’t receive. Guy A, on the other hand, was a notorious flirt who made me feel like just another girl in a long long line of many other girls. Needless to say, things didn’t work out with Guy A. Same with Guy B, but that had nothing to do with the male-female ratio in his phone book.

The problem that I see in your case is that your guy treats his female friends in a manner that is no longer platonic. There are appropriate ways on how to behave around a friend who is a member of the opposite sex, and these ways should become even more distinct when you are in a relationship. You’re most likely jealous because your guy is behaving around his girl friends as though he were still single (flirting with them, texting them at odd hours, texting them while he’s around you - which, for me, is unforgivably rude). Don’t worry, your jealousy has basis.

If you still want to save your relationship with him, I suggest you sit him down and explain to him in a VERY clear manner that what he is doing is downright disrespectful. If this behavior persists or if he tries to justify his actions with all sorts of lame excuses, I think you should dump him. Why be in a relationship with someone who can’t even treat you like you’re THE most important, most special girl in the world for him?

I don’t know this guy of course, but I have a feeling that he’s probably not going to change. If that’s the case, don’t stick around and be a martyr, waiting for him to be a better man. That only works in movies and most romantic comedies suck anyway.

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